Looking in the mirror.

Being you. Being me. Those imperfections. Those flaws.

I've always tried to be that person that looks in the mirror and accept themselves as themselves-no changes. That every flaw makes you, you. But if you look even for that second and don't see what you want to see, you feel so disheartened, that you aren't what people expect, you aren't that "ideal".

But what is "ideal" anyway? Stick thin? Long blonde hair? Toned? Tanned? I have been talking to quite a few guys about this, asking them if the smaller sizes (like size 8 and below) was something they found attractive. Most of them said they wanted someone looking more natural than the stick thin we are all accustomed to (generally they said around size12). This really surprised me, I guess I've almost programmed myself to think "thin is a win". All those magazines showing those already skinny girls photo shopped into even skinnier girls, it just makes you think that everyone aspires to this. That everyone finds this "look" attractive. But in reality most guys like what some girls could even call "average". So is being perfect being average? Or just dealing with what you have? Or is there even a "perfect" or just getting closer to perfection?

This all just made me think about how I look and how I present myself to others. I'm not one of those people to be open, and let lots of people in. So maybe that affects how people look at me? Maybe they think I'm not as fun or bubbly? Does my personality affect how people look at me more than my appearance?

I just began to realise that you aren't made to make other people happy. You are made to be an individual, and if that doesn't fit with anyone else, that's fine. That's more than normal, not everyone is instantly going to love you.

This is the picture I showed a couple of guys. And guess which one they chose. 

They chose the one in the middle. The one on the very left is size 6-8, the middle is size 12 and on the very right is the national average- size 16. But looking at it this way just made me think that the difference between both ends of the spectrum didn't even look enough to think about starving your body or cosmetic surgery. 

I guess it just surprised me and went against everything I know has been programmed into me, but still, that sense of urgency to eat better, to loose that extra couple of pounds. Every time you eat something you know you really shouldn't it comes to hit you- you've let yourself down. 

So no matter what people say, I still can't get of all those thoughts of thin is beautiful. It's always there. Whether it's talking to other girls about their weight, or when you see them not eating some meal times, you just think to yourself that it does matter to others, and therefore should matter to you.

I guess it's just sad to think that I have been dragged into this weight/ appearance obsessed world. 

Ellie. 

A sigh of relief.

I don't know if this feeling is something that I have come accustomed to, or something everyone else has to deal with to.
That feeling once you finally have got other that thing you were dreading for months, the one that keeps you awake at night worrying over what is going to happen, that feeling of stress and anxiety. You wait for the feeling of relief, but it never comes, it's because you're already worried about the next stage in your life, the next thing you have to spend your time getting sleepless nights over.

I really admire all those people who commit so many things at once, I know I would never have the time or energy to be able to do any sort of competitive sports or time taking opportunities, because my work load is seriously already full.

So I thought that this holiday would be a welcome relief, to get out of the way all my HAVE TO DO list, and yes, it is in capitals that's how far behind I feel! But the holidays just seem to exaggerate all the things I really need to do, although a lot of coursework and exams have already gone, it's just seeing the exams written down in order in front of you; you just sit there quietly thinking "How, how am I going to get through this".

I'm one of those people who stress over EVERYTHING. Literally everything. I just don't feel like that sigh of relief that it is all over is going to come round any time soon. So this post has been the starting of my next couple of post's themes.

"How to get over stress for exams". 

But hopefully it will have a snapper title before I begin to write how I de-stress, but I guess it can be more generalised into just "stress" rather than "work stress". But you will have to wait and see until I come up with some ideas that should help people, and hopefully some of those can work for you, or just put a smile on your face reading or hearing about these "techniques".

Sorry for the post about the plan of my ideas, just thought it made more sense than having a random "how to" post. So will keep you updated on how to de-stress!


Ellie.