Looking in the mirror.

Being you. Being me. Those imperfections. Those flaws.

I've always tried to be that person that looks in the mirror and accept themselves as themselves-no changes. That every flaw makes you, you. But if you look even for that second and don't see what you want to see, you feel so disheartened, that you aren't what people expect, you aren't that "ideal".

But what is "ideal" anyway? Stick thin? Long blonde hair? Toned? Tanned? I have been talking to quite a few guys about this, asking them if the smaller sizes (like size 8 and below) was something they found attractive. Most of them said they wanted someone looking more natural than the stick thin we are all accustomed to (generally they said around size12). This really surprised me, I guess I've almost programmed myself to think "thin is a win". All those magazines showing those already skinny girls photo shopped into even skinnier girls, it just makes you think that everyone aspires to this. That everyone finds this "look" attractive. But in reality most guys like what some girls could even call "average". So is being perfect being average? Or just dealing with what you have? Or is there even a "perfect" or just getting closer to perfection?

This all just made me think about how I look and how I present myself to others. I'm not one of those people to be open, and let lots of people in. So maybe that affects how people look at me? Maybe they think I'm not as fun or bubbly? Does my personality affect how people look at me more than my appearance?

I just began to realise that you aren't made to make other people happy. You are made to be an individual, and if that doesn't fit with anyone else, that's fine. That's more than normal, not everyone is instantly going to love you.

This is the picture I showed a couple of guys. And guess which one they chose. 

They chose the one in the middle. The one on the very left is size 6-8, the middle is size 12 and on the very right is the national average- size 16. But looking at it this way just made me think that the difference between both ends of the spectrum didn't even look enough to think about starving your body or cosmetic surgery. 

I guess it just surprised me and went against everything I know has been programmed into me, but still, that sense of urgency to eat better, to loose that extra couple of pounds. Every time you eat something you know you really shouldn't it comes to hit you- you've let yourself down. 

So no matter what people say, I still can't get of all those thoughts of thin is beautiful. It's always there. Whether it's talking to other girls about their weight, or when you see them not eating some meal times, you just think to yourself that it does matter to others, and therefore should matter to you.

I guess it's just sad to think that I have been dragged into this weight/ appearance obsessed world. 

Ellie. 

Feeling a bit low.

It doesn't feel quite like rock bottom yet, but I think I'm getting there. At high speed. 

It's just the simple little things getting you down, but getting you down so often you just really cannot pick yourself back up and imagine it didn't happen. Imagine that it didn't hurt. Imagine that you can get on with your life as if you are still the happy person every one expects you to be.

I mean even subjects I don't like, that I have no reason to try that hard for (because I am neither taking them for A level and I have already got the grades, just retaking to get better ones) I am wasting all my energy on. And making me feel like I can't even manage to get enough enthusiasm to even do the things I promised myself.

It's stupid the way this happens. How the tiny things mount up, and creating something bigger than something that could potentially mean a lot more. I mean I came on here thinking I was going to put out something inspirational to cheer me up a bit, but I kept imagining how I should be working- how every spare moment should be working. I found I have lost a follower- and now this is making me doubt even my blog. The one thing that is truly me, and lifts my spirits a bit. It got me thinking if my moods have been affecting my posts so much so that that reader does not want to read any more? Or that my style has changed for the worse? This is like my get away from things, showing my true self, so it means a lot if someone doesn't like it- or even worse doesn't like it any more...

Why is that the self doubt seems to come rolling in just on the moment you really don't need anything else to bring you down?

I apologise for all the rather depressing things lately, and the lack of any real posts, they will get better, I will perk up again to my old self- but please don't run away in the mean time! D:

Ellie.

Geek-tastic.

I am really sorry for those people who will not ever understand internet games, or the Harry Potter books and films. I just have to share this.

I have now started becoming really fascinated by "Pottermore". I admit to not reading any of the books, and I keep telling myself I will get round to it- they are going to become real classics- the books of our generation that people will remember. I just haven't nearly got enough time to really get into good books! Which sounds like a rather pathetic excuse!

But for all those people who are fascinated in Harry Potter, thinking games, magical intrigue, mythical creatures and really beautiful graphics and interactions for the player please look at Pottermore.

It takes about a day to properly sign up, but it is definitely worth the wait. I have been completely captivated by this; and it takes a lot for me to keep any amount of focus on one thing at a time! Definitely worth a try- and there are more updates coming through!

http://www.pottermore.com/

Ellie.

No motivation.

It's gone. It's all gone.

All the motivation, all the looking forward to finishing everything. Just gone. 

I've got to the point with some things that I just want to give up, there seems to be no rewarding feeling after finishing anything any more. Looking back and thinking I have wasted so much of my time with something I feel no pleasure with, or something that won't even help me in the future.

It just has to be the time that I need all the motivation I have to focus on everything I am doing, with exams coming up, the stress everyone is beginning to feel. So why do when I need it most that those feelings are never there?

Is it just trying to annoy me or just to be ironic?  

Sat here, wondering what I have to drag myself through next to finish. It's like I can feel myself dragging my feet, determined to do anything remotely constructive. I finally know what it feels like to procrastinate to a complete extreme. 

The dread of the last two days of the holidays- getting everything ready for the last term of school. The dread of forgetting something, or not doing well enough.

Filled with dread for the days ahead...

Ellie. 

(Sorry, for the short and uninspiring post- I just thought I would do a reality check on my more up beat "inspiration" and motivation is everything. While in the real world having those constant feelings are nothing but tiring! ) 

Trust.

Trust takes almost a whole life time to fully make, but can only be seconds to break.

You look back and think, why did I even trust this person enough to let them into my life? I know for me letting someone in is something that takes a long time, it takes bravery and some times that last bit of a leap of faith. But what would human kind be without those times where you just have to close your eyes and jump? We would all the be the same, doing nothing with our lives because we would never risk any of it. By why does it always seem that the only time you genuinely do give all the effort you have to trust them, to get down your guard down. I know for some people this is just a natural thing that happens quite regularly. Don't even need to give much consideration or thinking into it, you just let people in.

But where does that real;y get you? Yes, you may have a more people to talk to about your things you want trusted and safe, but how many of them do you really trust with all of it? Trust everything you have ever said and know they are going to take it to their grave. I would rather know that a smaller group of people were there for me, and completely had my back, rather than a larger group of people that may change their "loyalties".

I know this whole trust issue that everyone faces almost seems selfish, that you trust someone that is completely loyal to you- no one else. That's what trust is, a selfish way of protecting yourself and being able to say after all of it either thank you for being there, or I won't be able to trust you again. So why does it take so long to make that trust that can really be relied on, and only seconds to break?

Because it takes a lot for that person to jump, but only a small hole in the parachute is all it takes for that trust to completely fail you.

Ellie.

-And I promise I will put some artwork and photos up at some point, I just feel the need to write about things that have all my thoughts captured.

How to De-stress.

A follow up of my post before- Why I am going to write about it all! I did promise a better title, but nothing really made "stress" sound exciting or catchy. I don't think you can really dress up the word "stress" into something easy or light hearted reading material!

So I was going to write tips that I do, and have heard of that help stress, some are quite... well... unusual. But if your smiling because of reading how to de-stress I think my aim is finally working!

I was going to start with the obvious and hopefully get a little more "adventurous".

1. Before trying to relax yourself organise what ever is getting you worried, nervous or stressed so you feel in control of it. Own up to what is making you stressed, write down little steps that you can take to get to your goal. It makes it less intimidating the smaller steps you make, even if it is planned out for a longer time. 
2. Down time. ME time. This is a bit category that most people rely on to de-stress, and completely differs from person to person what they want to do in their spare time. For me it's usually doing something girly, something I never usual have the time or effort to do it in a relaxing way. So paint your nails, do some online shopping (but only buy things that are small, if you spend too much on something that isn't really on you NEED list it may just have a knock on effect!) , have a proper bubble bath, listen to music with sound cancelling ear phones- shuts out the world more, read something light hearted that doesn't have huge tragedies (one of the mistakes I made!). So basically anything that settles you, and gives you time to yourself not to think about what is going on in the world around you, only what you are doing in those couple of minutes. Do this for about 20 minutes a day before you go to sleep, so it's not too long you feel guilty or too short to relax you. 
3. Something that makes you relax, I have this smell that I associate with relaxation, and it calms me down almost instantly. So think about the foods you have on rainy days all cosy inside, or days that have always made you into a brighter mood. My ideal is lasagne, Chinese, hot chocolate, and a gentle smell of lime scented candles! But whatever works for you.
4. On days off do something that makes you smile, whether it is geeking out, eating out, sleeping in or  staying in. talking to someone who doesn't ask about the deep meaningful things (although that sometimes does help, just get away for a bit and talk or meet up with someone who makes you smile for all the right reasons.)
5. Now we are starting to get into the more adventurous ones! There are some herbal remedies I know some of my friends take, like anxiety herbal balms and sprays. I haven't tried them, but they do seem to work on some people more than others. Here is a site that shows remedies and how they work, and simple tricks to make those remedies work best.
6. EFT, a technique that I find hard to grasp at why it works, and I would find it a challenge to persevere and may it work for me. But everyone else is different, so if things don't work there are always more possibilities. This technique is where you tap a pressure point on your body (usually your forehead or around there) and associate good images and relaxation, so when you touch that point again you should feel the same relaxation. Again there are other types and making it work for you by adapting it is always good. 

That's probably as far as I'm going to go on this post, but if I come up with more I shall link it to the posts already and see if they make any better impacts on stress levels. Hope that helps!

Ellie.

Nothing is impossible.

Those are just silly dreams. Crazy ambitions. Empty promises. 

When you finally realise that everything you had once built up in your mind as the perfect future, the perfect future you have always dreamt about. Completely falls to a stand still, no not even that, makes you feel like you're going through a trap door. Falling with no safety net. Falling.

I know most people are afraid of that feeling, no one can save you if you are already falling- no one can really pull you out. But isn't it the last couple of inches before the floor that everyone dreads? Rock bottom. The words that bring back memories for everyone. 

But weren't those dreams so clear only seconds or days ago? So clear and close to reaching them you could almost feel that you were in control, that you could reach all these dreams and ambitions comfortably and carry onto to the next steps. 

So, why did it all fall through?

The question I ask myself every time I feel I have let myself down. You relied on this part, this part was the main structure to everything. Now when ever someone says to me " Nothing is impossible", I want to just remind them that "it may not be impossible, but close to it." Because not all things are handed to you on a silver platter, not all things are going to be easy. But all things will have a guaranteed risk of tripping up. 

Nothing is impossible if you set yourself reasonable goals, if you really think about what is holding all your dreams together and keeping it that way, and putting in the same amount of effort in as reward you want to get out of it.

Just to end on that post, a rather "uplifting" picture of someone trying to do the impossible.

Ellie. 

A sigh of relief.

I don't know if this feeling is something that I have come accustomed to, or something everyone else has to deal with to.
That feeling once you finally have got other that thing you were dreading for months, the one that keeps you awake at night worrying over what is going to happen, that feeling of stress and anxiety. You wait for the feeling of relief, but it never comes, it's because you're already worried about the next stage in your life, the next thing you have to spend your time getting sleepless nights over.

I really admire all those people who commit so many things at once, I know I would never have the time or energy to be able to do any sort of competitive sports or time taking opportunities, because my work load is seriously already full.

So I thought that this holiday would be a welcome relief, to get out of the way all my HAVE TO DO list, and yes, it is in capitals that's how far behind I feel! But the holidays just seem to exaggerate all the things I really need to do, although a lot of coursework and exams have already gone, it's just seeing the exams written down in order in front of you; you just sit there quietly thinking "How, how am I going to get through this".

I'm one of those people who stress over EVERYTHING. Literally everything. I just don't feel like that sigh of relief that it is all over is going to come round any time soon. So this post has been the starting of my next couple of post's themes.

"How to get over stress for exams". 

But hopefully it will have a snapper title before I begin to write how I de-stress, but I guess it can be more generalised into just "stress" rather than "work stress". But you will have to wait and see until I come up with some ideas that should help people, and hopefully some of those can work for you, or just put a smile on your face reading or hearing about these "techniques".

Sorry for the post about the plan of my ideas, just thought it made more sense than having a random "how to" post. So will keep you updated on how to de-stress!


Ellie. 

A memory.

I recently got a present from a friend, not one of those presents that lasts forever or anything that other people could appreciate. But those presents are always the best, because it means something to you personally.

It wasn't extravagant, it just meant something to me, because of all the memories we shared around it. It made me think about how I had associated this with that person, so now whenever I see it I can't help but smile. It really made me think that everyone must have these- everyday objects that most people see as boring or simple, but for you they mean so much more. They remind you of all the times spent together, and it just made me think about how we make connections in our brains about that person and object.

For me if I smell freshly cut grass I think about the spring, and then spring time links with Easter... It just made me think about how our brains connected everything together to make a easier link between each set time frame or event. It made it feel surreal that I could remember everything in so much more detail just because I could see that object. It all came flooding back, and it felt nice to feel like you were closer to that person.

I guess it just surprised me to think how many memories I have had with that person, and it was nice to feel closer.

Just one of those eye opening things that surprised me to think that there was more to what I originally remembered.

Ellie.