Looking in the mirror.

Being you. Being me. Those imperfections. Those flaws.

I've always tried to be that person that looks in the mirror and accept themselves as themselves-no changes. That every flaw makes you, you. But if you look even for that second and don't see what you want to see, you feel so disheartened, that you aren't what people expect, you aren't that "ideal".

But what is "ideal" anyway? Stick thin? Long blonde hair? Toned? Tanned? I have been talking to quite a few guys about this, asking them if the smaller sizes (like size 8 and below) was something they found attractive. Most of them said they wanted someone looking more natural than the stick thin we are all accustomed to (generally they said around size12). This really surprised me, I guess I've almost programmed myself to think "thin is a win". All those magazines showing those already skinny girls photo shopped into even skinnier girls, it just makes you think that everyone aspires to this. That everyone finds this "look" attractive. But in reality most guys like what some girls could even call "average". So is being perfect being average? Or just dealing with what you have? Or is there even a "perfect" or just getting closer to perfection?

This all just made me think about how I look and how I present myself to others. I'm not one of those people to be open, and let lots of people in. So maybe that affects how people look at me? Maybe they think I'm not as fun or bubbly? Does my personality affect how people look at me more than my appearance?

I just began to realise that you aren't made to make other people happy. You are made to be an individual, and if that doesn't fit with anyone else, that's fine. That's more than normal, not everyone is instantly going to love you.

This is the picture I showed a couple of guys. And guess which one they chose. 

They chose the one in the middle. The one on the very left is size 6-8, the middle is size 12 and on the very right is the national average- size 16. But looking at it this way just made me think that the difference between both ends of the spectrum didn't even look enough to think about starving your body or cosmetic surgery. 

I guess it just surprised me and went against everything I know has been programmed into me, but still, that sense of urgency to eat better, to loose that extra couple of pounds. Every time you eat something you know you really shouldn't it comes to hit you- you've let yourself down. 

So no matter what people say, I still can't get of all those thoughts of thin is beautiful. It's always there. Whether it's talking to other girls about their weight, or when you see them not eating some meal times, you just think to yourself that it does matter to others, and therefore should matter to you.

I guess it's just sad to think that I have been dragged into this weight/ appearance obsessed world. 

Ellie.